For some reason, we think our shame too great a burden to carry for Christ, because we have found it too great a burden to carry. But Christ tells us “Why do you carry it? Why do you ask Me to carry it? Have I not taken it when I died for you?” And in that response, we realize that our shame is not anyone’s to carry, for it is meant to be put to death along with our sin. Beloved, you are not this mistake, for you are more than conquerers in Christ; He broke those chains, so why do you hold onto something that cannot hold you? Reach for Christ, those are the arms that can sustain you and renew you, those are the arms that will never reject you.
Let me put this down. I was maybe 10 or 11. I was reading a book. I seriously cannot recall what book I was reading then. But I remember lying there in our couch when all of a sudden, a message was sent to me: “God knows what He’s doing.”
It was a very simple message. And it was very clear. That a God greater and infinite actually knows and cares about us. I broke down in tears. I can’t remember why, but I did.
It was a truth that I held dear in my heart. I knew then that it was the start of a personal relationship with God.
Allthroughout highschool, I kept that relationship. I talked to God through prayer even while doing mundane things like whenever I was walking alone to catch the ride to school.
My family was Catholic so a Bible wasn’t really a household item. With the influence of my sister, I became active in a Catholic youth group. That was when I first experienced the ‘high’ of worshipping God. As I entered college, my faith was deepened by joining a Christian org which held weekly Bible studies.
The busyness of my schedule however caught up with me. My position in my college-based org demanded much of my time. I dropped two things then to “balance” my studies and extracurricular activities. It wasn’t all intentional: I dropped my relationship with my then boyfriend and eventually, my relationship with God.
My initial realization was that it was my pride that caused me to lose both relationships.
But now I realize that it wasn’t really pride, at least for the latter. It was more of sin and shame. It was the fact that I committed a sin against Him, a consequence of my broken heart and selfish decisions, and I believed the lies then that I have officially crossed over to the dark side. I let myself get swallowed by the idea that I had no more right and that it would be so hypocritical of me to attend mass and meet my friends for Bible study, especially when my sins have been witnessed by other people, especially when other people saw how sinful I could get at the core.
So lawschool came, and I was set that I was already beyond redemption. I actually didn’t care anymore at that point. I smoked, I drank, and just lived off the satisfaction that an intimate relationship without the commitment then gave me. After a year, my heart was broken again.
So I got my act together and started afresh. I knew what was wrong. I fixed my relationship with Him and somehow I was able to overcome my guilt and shame.
That was until I gave my heart to someone who did not have a personal relationship with Christ. He knew that I could not be in a relationship with someone who does not love Jesus Christ. But I still took a chance. Yes, I compromised. It was no surprise that three years later, both my heart and my faith were broken. At the end of it, I no longer had Jesus in my life.
It was in my brokenness that Jesus reached out to me again. A friend shared Jeremiah 29:11 to me. And I broke down in tears. It broke my walls and made me see that God never gave up on me, that despite every sin that I have committed at that point, He still cares for me and that He is still the same God who called out and assured the Israelites of His promises.
My friend’s encouragement helped me get back on track with my relationship with God. He would send me podcasts, ebooks, Christian songs and everything else I needed if I had questions. I started attending Christian service and joined a small group. I even volunteered for a ministry in church.
So at that point you would guess that it would be my happily ever after with Christ. That still wasn’t it. Out of immaturity and discontent, I fell into sin again. Committing a sin like that at that point was just inexcusable. It was as if I was mocking the grace that God has for me. And the consequence was too much. God knew where it would hurt the most. Yes, God broke my heart. And this time that friend who encouraged me before cannot be there for me anymore, because my disobedience cost his presence in my life.
So i picked myself up and depended on Him alone. And this time Im sure and I will fight for this at whatever cost, that this is my happily ever after with Him.
Everything for Him, forever.
He breaks my heart to meet me in that place, where all I could do is surrender to his love. He will do it every single time, and I always meet him at that point.
I should have learned this by now. He will never give up. No matter what it takes. He loves me and the cost was his son on a cross. How could I ever doubt his love. How could I ever refuse to face him to the point that He has to break my heart just so I would give my heart to him, everything to him.